It is by a country mile, the one area that I talk about most with clients.
The issue? We all want it, but few can articulate why. Confident people can make decisions regardless of whether they will be unpopular. They do what they believe is right no matter what. Taking risks allow us to learn, to create and maintain boundaries by being prepared to fail even when it feels uncomfortable.
When risks are taken we will absolutely, no doubt about it, make mistakes, that’s the deal I’m afraid but being able to do it regardless, valuing the learning more than the discomfort, this is confidence personified.
Confident people can also accept compliments without feeling like a fraud or that the compliment is unfounded. How many of us take a compliment then brush it away with “it’s only…” or think “they’re just saying that to be nice”?
Uncomfortable does not equal unbearable
To feel more confident we need to exercise the muscle. All of the above can be practiced in small ways, realising each time that being uncomfortable is not unbearable. So often the fear that somehow failing or taking a risk will be intolerable holds us back from trying. It won’t, in most cases. Building your tolerance to that discomfort will undoubtedly build your confidence levels.
We are all good at many things, but we focus so much on what we’re not good at. Practice every day reminding yourself of your strengths and spend time thinking about how those strengths can support your areas of development. It could be you are great in one-to-one conversations but are fearful of larger groups. Use the confidence from one to help you in the other.
Talk yourself up
You will never be confident if you have constant negative commentary running through your mind telling you you’re not good at anything. Think about your self-talk, the language you use in your own mind. What you think about yourself makes you feel a certain way. If this is negative you will think negatively, feel negative and act on that feeling. Conversely, thinking positively will have the opposite effect.
Avoiding the influences
It is true that others can impact your confidence too. It could be you were criticised as a child or a relationship went wrong and they blamed you. Comparing yourself to others will almost always have a negative impact on your confidence because you will never live up to the perceived ideal that you see elsewhere. To some extent avoiding the situations, and people, who drag down your confidence levels should be considered.
We need confidence to be able to push ourselves, to take risks, to grow and to, when needed, admit mistakes. Hopefully now you can start to build your own confidence muscle.
Kirsty
