As psychotherapists, Kirsty and Louise talk a lot about unconditional positive regard, the ability to suspend judgement of others. It is a critical skill in counselling and coaching work.
Does suspending judgement therefore mean you are no longer allowed to have an opinion? If you look at a thesaurus you will see that opinion and judgement are synonyms for each other, no help there then.
Despite the two words being related, the word judgement for us carries a tone of moral disapproval or criticism that opinion does not.
Relying on facts and applying experience, a person reaches an opinion. Judgement is a conclusion based on application of personal values and core beliefs and sometimes opinions. It may not be rational and most people will have trouble articulating how they reached a judgement.
Often an opinion can be quantified whereas a judgement cannot.
Some examples to consider:
“I feel everyone should be vaccinated for the good of the community” – opinion
“I feel anyone who doesn’t get vaccinated is selfish” – judgement
“To stay healthy we should limit our portion sizes” – opinion
“She looks like she clearly doesn’t limit portion sizes” – judgement
“A parent should stay home with their kids full time until school” – opinion
“They’ve left their child with a nanny, they clearly don’t care about them” – judgement
No right to decide?
We can form opinions based on facts, learning and experience, it can be a generalised conclusion based on what we know. Judgement on the other hand puts something or someone into a category based on the opinion without actually knowing or trying to know any better. It can be positive or negative.
Do we really have the right to decide how every person on the planet should look, sound, think or act based solely on our judgement? When we judge others we put conditions of worth upon them, in other words, they are worthy if they fall into our belief system. When enough people think this way, we create social “norms” and exclude those who don’t fit into them, we essentially rob people of their self-esteem. Clearly, if enough people think this way, we create bias, prejudice and discrimination.
How do you therefore suspend judgement?
Think about if you hate tattoos or say, pink hair. You have every right to do so, it is your opinion. Suspending judgement would be to ensure you don’t treat everyone with a tattoo or pink hair adversely as a result of your opinion.
Think about the next time you judge and ask yourself these questions?
- Is it based on fact?
- Does it harm anyone?
- How might I be accepting of this instead?
Suspending judgement is very much about accepting difference. When we do this, we live inclusively, with kindness and we expand our worlds. You may even find that you free up a lot of energy to spend on more productive, more useful experiences.
Try it today and see how you can strengthen your unconditional positive regard.
