Anyone who has been through chronic anxiety or depression will know that recovery is not easy.
In 2015, after I was signed off, I spent a lot of time ruminating about what had happened to me. In some ways being a Mum helped as I was forced to get out of bed each day. Had that not been the case I might have spent months curled up in bed hoping the world would just pause.
I felt a huge amount of guilt for just being still. I could’ve cleaned the house, done washing, but I didn’t. I was paralysed. That’s what depression did to me.
At one point, and I don’t remembred exactly what happened, I realised I was physically suffering as well as mentally, so I did the only think I could think of (and control); I got myself physically healthy again.
Sleep, nutrition and exercise
It’s the basic stuff but I have to say, it works. I got stuck into the internet and started researching everything I could. I did a nutrition course online and I researched all I could on sleep. I also joined an online gym. It sounds easy doesn’t it. It wasn’t, it was a daily battle to get up and motivate myself to take better care of me.
Mindfulness
Once I started to feel physically stronger, I needed to work on my anxiety and the situational depression. I started an online mindfulness course and it changed my life. For once I could disconnect from the rumination and start to focus on just being. I also realised that it’s ok to not be perfect, to forgive myself for not being able to cope with everything.
This process took about three months, it took me out of my ‘bad place’ and allowed me to start to think seriously about where I was and what I could do about it, without panicking.
The next step was probably the most difficult of my working life.
I’d lost my motivation. Every role I had seemed to just intensify the lack of care about people. After my experience I didn’t want to have that again.
Before I considered a return to work, I had to raise a formal grievance. This was the first time in 25 years I’d raised a formal complaint at work. I remember a friend telling me that I was lucky. I couldn’t believe she’d said that. What she meant was, I was lucky It was 25 year before I’d experienced what I know now is a common and everyday occurance; bullying, harrassment and coersion.
In my experience, bearing in mind I was still officially signed off sick, I feel the organisation did not meet their duty of care. The process ensured the organisation was protected and was an utter imbalance of power.
The process did really affect me, it was heart-breaking after 10 years’ service, they really didn’t care about me at all. It set me back again. I wished now that I’d seen an expert as I might have felt less alone and overwhelmed.
It’s not appropriate to go into details. I’m not telling the story to name or shame. I’m telling my story really to show that out of feeling lost, beaten and disheartened, the most amazing things can happen.
I had to do something. How could I help people like me; strong, capable, high performing and utterly naïve about mental illness?
“The spark of hope, that lights the fire, that will burn stigma, discrimination and poor practices”. (yes, I’m a Star Wars fan)
A fire was lit in me, could I really take on more studying, starting again, doing something totally different? I already knew the answer.
Kirsty Ritchie
