So often when we can’t do what someone asks of us we either say “Yes, of course” or we say “no, sorry… I can’t because…”
Three things are obvious to me:
- We don’t like saying no
- We apologise for saying no
- We feel we have to justify saying no
It occurred to me that in professional cultures we use the word sorry when we are struggling to say no but the word sorry normally suggests a feeling of remorse for doing something wrong.
I was reminded of this when a client said they were struggling to say no to a client who wanted a late and last minute consultation, which meant they would have to cancel a personal appointment. The alternatives they were weighing up were either letting the client down or rescheduling their own appointment.
I posited an alternative mindset and asked “why would saying no be letting the client down?”
Constantly saying yes when we want to say no, lets others’ believe we have no boundaries. We are more likely to be the one consistently asked to do out of hours work or shift our own important tasks to fit in others’ urgent work. Professional boundaries are important and our actions can communicate these boundaries.
If we genuinely can’t accommodate someone’s request; a) we should not hesitate to say no b) we should not feel remorse about it and c) we should not need to provide a reason why.
That’s all fine in theory but how does it sound in practice?
Example:
It’s 6pm, you’re just switching off to leave for the evening and meet friends for a catch up, it’s been in the diary for months. A client asks if you can join a call at 7pm to discuss a project you are managing. Let’s assume this is not critical.
Appeasing the client
“I’m really sorry, I can’t make it tonight, I have a long standing arrangement with friends”.
This response communicates remorse for setting a professional boundary and comes from a belief that saying no is letting the client down. This is an unhealthy mindset and can reduce self-esteem.
Lack of boundaries
“Yes, no problem, I’ll join the call”.
It’s likely that the client will do the same thing again as you have given tacit permission and communicated this is ok. It’s also likely that you will have some resentment towards the client for asking this of you. You have lost an element of control and reciprocity in your client relationship.
With professional boundaries
“I’m not able to join a call this evening, but if you contact me in the morning I’ll prioritise time for you”.
You don’t have to show remorse, for having a life and a professional boundary. You also don’t need to justify or provide a reason why you can’t accommodate what is a last minute and out of hours request. You can however, consider what is possible and communicate this professionally.
