When we lose someone close to us, there can be a huge range of emotions.  It can be painful, confusing and distressing and can be complicated by many factors.  We also want to help family, friends and colleagues who are going through a bereavement, but trying to do and say the right thing can bring anxiety itself.

This article will give you an idea of the theories behind how we cope with grief and may better prepare you to support someone else or indeed help yourself through the process.

Nature of the relationship to the deceased

Grief will affect everyone in a different way. It depends who the deceased was to us and the nature of that relationship.  The nature of the relationship can be split into categories:

Strength of attachment

Otherwise known as the intensity of relationship. The strength of attachment formed in early childhood can develop into adulthood in the form of love and is directly related to the intensity of grief felt when experiencing loss.  Many believe that grief is in fact a direct translation of the love felt when someone passes.

Security of attachment

The individual experiencing loss may have needed that person for his or her own self-worth. For many individuals if there was a reliance on that person for security and well-being, when that person dies the need remains, but the supply is missing.

Ambivalence

There is always an element of negative feelings in any relationship, for example a argument which was never resolved. Despite clearly not wanting a loved one to die, we can feel anger towards them for many reasons and this is completely natural and importantly, valid.  The degree of these negative feelings will impact the extent of grief and often there will be a more difficult grief reaction in a highly ambivalent relationship.

Conflicts

In conflicted relationships (abuse for example), there is always a possibility of unfinished business i.e. issues that do not get resolved before the death, especially in the case of sudden death.

Dependence

Adjustments for those who were dependent on the deceased for the fulfilment of perhaps day to day activities will be difficult.  When loved ones have adjusted their own life to take care of a loved one, the period reverting back to how life was, or how life must be, will also be a significant challenge.

Mediators

After considering the nature of the relationship we must consider other factors called mediators, such as:

How the person died

This is important because the circumstances will have a unique bearing on the grief experience. The circumstances of the death could be natural causes at the end of life, illness, accidental or even a violent death.  All of these factors have an impact on our grief process.  Coming to terms with a traumatic death may be significantly more difficult than that of an older relative passing of natural causes.

Personality variables

Our own personality type, age, gender and coping style is also important.  We all cope with trauma, difficulty and discomfort in different ways.  Our upbringing and experiences determine our coping styles, which can also evolve over time as we age, have families and take on new responsibilities.  There is no one way that we “should” cope with grief.

Social variables

Support mechanisms can be a critical factor in how we process and come to terms with loss.  Family, friends, work and other networks have a part to play in how we cope; pets are considered a hugely positive support to the bereaved.

Concurrent stresses

Other issues which arise during a bereavement can impact the mourning period. Some may have to take considerable time off work if it has been the death of a partner or spouse, which could result in financial difficulty.  A high stress environment at work or other social or environmental factors can have a bearing on our ability to grieve.

Grief is not a linear process and there is no fixed path.  We all navigate and process loss differently and at different times.  Given the numerous factors at play how could we assume otherwise?  Acknowledging this is the first step to supporting ourselves or anyone else.  While our instinct is to help with “cheering up”, “getting over” and “moving on,”  feeling and processing the pain of loss is critical and should never be avoided or denied.  Only once we face the pain can our body and mind start to accept the situation and be in a position to move forward.

If you or a loved one is struggling with loss, take a look at our resources page for more information on where to access support.