The overall goal in grief counselling is to help the client acknowledge the loss and adjust to a new reality without the deceased. In order to do this, many theorists suggest that there are stages or tasks to complete before someone can move on from the loss. There are however difficulties following a staged process as they are unlikely to pass through each stage in order.
The stages are:
Accept the reality of the loss
The client must be able to acknowledge and accept that the person has died, that there is a reality and finality about it. Noticing someone talking about the deceased as if they are still here is a sign that they have not accepted the passing yet. They may be helped by talking about the deceased in the past tense, perhaps talking about the funeral and reminding themselves that the person is gone.
To process the pain of grief
One of the most difficult aspects is that there will undoubtedly be pain, which can be physical and/or emotional. Most of us try to avoid or deny the pain of grief, which is commonly exacerbated by friends and family trying to help to “get over” the loss. Continuing to avoid expressing and feeling pain will likely prolong the mourning period. The likelihood and intensity of pain is directly connected to the relationship.
To adjust to a world without the deceased
There can be obstacles to readjustment after a loss. These may be day to day activities such as shopping or it may be feelings of loneliness which have arisen. Sometimes it’s not clear what is lost at first. Navigating these difficulties is another important step and may push a person back into a period of further pain or even back to denial of the entire situation.
Finding and enduring connection with the deceased
In order to fully re-invest in life and only after the other stages are complete, can a person move to the final stage of creating a lasting memory without pain. In other words, the person needs to be supported to find a way of moving forward and finding different meaning to life without fully detaching from the deceased.
Grief and mourning can be very complex. If you have suffered a bereavement, despite what some may say or think, you don’t need to ‘just get over it’. Our bodies and minds need to process the trauma, and this takes time. Similarly, if you are supporting someone through grief be aware of the stages, listen to what they have to say, try to identify where they are in the stages, help them to express the pain and think of ways to remember the deceased.
We all grieve in different ways, for different lengths of time and may even move around the stages of grief.
References:
On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss - Elizabeth ubler Ross and David Kessler
