How are you?
Alongside saying “I’m busy”, the standard answer is “I’m fine”. Not only does it NOT say how you are, but it often means you’re not fine.
I remember a 2003 movie where it meant freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional. Anyone remember the movie?
Why do we say this as a stock answer? Here’s my thoughts….
– It hides how we really feel because we think we’re alone in the feelings and don’t want others to know or think that no one will understand or think that others will judge them.
– Maybe it’s because we’ve never been taught as children to express our emotions and this has just carried on into adulthood.
– Perhaps we just don’t want to bother others with our problems although, why would someone ask you how you are if they weren’t interested in the real answer?
– Maybe we just can’t be bothered to explain what’s going on inside our heads or maybe we don’t know.
I know what it’s like to hide a lack of fine-ness, probably for most of the above reasons at one time or another. What it resulted in was everyone constantly thinking that I was actually fine – but I wasn’t. In my head I was screaming “why can’t you see I’m not ok?” How was anyone meant to know? What would happen though if I’d said, “actually I’m not great”? If someone said that to you, how would you answer? It might feel uncomfortable.
What would an ideal answer be?
Circumstances do need to be considered for example, if someone has lost a loved one, they are not going to be ok, so don’t expect them to be. Many people say they avoid asking those who are grieving because they don’t want to bother them – wrong. It’s normally because they have no idea what to say. Perhaps changing it slightly to “how are you today? adding in today, acknowledges that you know they’re not ok overall but wondering at that moment how things are. One of the worst things you can say is “if there’s anything I can do let me know”. Why is that so bad? Because it puts it back on to the person who is feeling bad enough as it is. You just given them more to think about, that is, solving your dilemma by coming up with something for you to do to help them! Instead of asking them what you can do, offer something. Maybe “do you want to go for a coffee after work and have a chat?” or, get them a small token to show you’re thinking about them.
We do tend to try to fix people though. If someone is feeling down, it’s difficult to just sit and listen non-judgementally instead of jumping in and trying to solve the problem. Sometimes it can’t be solved, it’s about making sure the person is heard, that their fear, worry or issue is validated.
The relief I got from finally telling someone I was broken, was more than I can explain in words.
The next time someone asks you, really think about whether you are “fine”.
